Shrimp? In this economy?
Everything feels expensive and embarrassing
Have they made an SNL sketch about the price of eggs yet? I don’t know. I stopped watching ages ago, when it stopped being funny. Or maybe it is funny again. I don’t know, because I stopped watching ages ago.
The price of eggs is funny, though, until you’re at the grocery store. I almost dropped a carton the other week, my hands were shaking so much.
Maybe this is why I haven’t written in a while. Everything feels expensive and embarrassing.
A month or so ago, after I lost a some clients to tariff fears and budget cuts, before a large chunk of my car flew off on the highway, my best friend Grace and I booked a non-refundable SellOffVacation. Five nights, four stars, 10+ swim-up bars. We flew on March 28.
It was each of our first time staying at an all-inclusive resort, or really anywhere you can paint a sombrero and drink something called a “Shit in the Grass” and shoot a gun all before 11 AM. We quickly realized we were two of very few people under 55, which was a major relief to us. We had come to the El Dorado Royale to escape Millennial malaise, to lean into *luxury* without shame. Expensive, embarrassing.
After unpacking and making a dinner reservation at one of two Asian fusion restaurants, we settled in at the martini bar (called Martini Bar).
We met a couple from Utah called Stacie and Jeff who were celebrating over four decades of marriage. They got together during the first year on their college’s cheerleading team, and they go on one vacation together, without their kids, every year.
Grace and I had approached Stacie to ask about her shoes. They were lucite, light-up heels, and we both really wanted to be wearing them. Jeff answered. Ali Express.
Jeff had bought Stacie the shoes, he told us. In fact, he buys all of her vacation clothes each year, dressing her up like a fantasy and then putting the sequins and mesh away in the garage until the next trip. Stacie beamed at us as he described their favourite looks.
It was the horniest, loveliest, most romantic thing I’ve ever heard.
We tipped generously and made friends with ease. When we answered the inevitable first question with “Canada”, shirtless men and women in oversized slogan t-shirts (“1 tequila, 2 tequila, etc.”) had little sheepishness about their disdain for the tariffs. They commiserated freely as their bodies ripened to echo the colour of their home states.
Everyone was a pleasure zombie and I have never felt so alive. I had been so hungry for a break, not realizing that the weight on my chest had come to feel like one of my vital organs. It lifted as people complimented my karaoke rendition of “Part of Your World” for literal days! Mike from Michigan asked if I was on Broadway!! There was not one ounce of irony in his voice!!!
I ate some shrimp drowned in ketchup sauce next to a foam party. The foam and the shrimp cocktail (most shrimp cocktails, actually) were largely devoid of dignity. But I could not care less. I was full.
xo
🦐
Spill the Sauce
Note: This is the part of the newsletter where I actually review shrimp cocktails
One of the many, many restaurants at the El Dorado Royale resort is a pizza place right by the main pool. It has a pretty rockin’ caesar salad and a shrimp cocktail on its menu.
El Dorado Shrimp Cocktail
Freshness and crispness: 3.5. These were some seriously limp shrimp.
Meat and flavour: 4. Chewy and truly overtaken by the sauce (see below).
Presentation + Accompaniments: 7.5. The glass was kooky and fun! Respect! And love the chips and crackers on the side. Options are always great when you don’t know what you’re dealing with.
Sauce: 2. Okay. We really need to talk about this sauce. It can really only be described as spicy ketchup full of chopped peppers, onions—and only three floating shrimp. There was so much sauce! So much tang! So few shrimp!
Final review: 20,000 Leagues Under the Sea
Other silly things I’m consuming:
Very into the new Bon Iver record, especially during this miserable period of delayed Spring. It feels a bit like emerging from a cocoon, which I very much need right now. (But don’t take my word for it. Read my husband Alex’s beautiful review for Pitchfork!)
I unfortunately did watch all of The Baldwins. I do not recommend. Truly evil stuff, you guys.
Browser window shopping has become a new favourite hobby of mine. The usual Substack suspects like Shop Rat, are you wearing that?, Five Things You Should Buy, The Cereal Aisle, etc., plus fun local friendos like Nicole’s Pleats No Please, Isabel Slone’s Freak Palace, and Sasha Mei’s Meja, have me saving tabs as bookmarks for…later.
I’m still on the smut train, but not feeling guilty at all about it, especially after devouring the three books released by 831 Stories. This imprint has my heart and my vibrator battery life. I may be trying to write something of my own 👀
New ambition in life is to be a pleasure zombie!!!
1. You have IMMEDIATELY influenced me to read 831 stories
2. I will read ANYTHING you write!!